life has been tough these days...

hmmmnn... sometimes, i wonder, is it my problem or is it other people's problem...  and after thinking about my past.. Its like a sequence.. Things just happens and it happens again and again... I tried my best to avoid things like that to happen again but it never succeed.

Working hard was my aim this year, and yeah, i did get the results that i'm quite satisfied with. However, my other stuff, such as friendship, it didn't made it like how i imagined. So its fair that we don't always get what we want. But most importantly, i think i should have a change in my attitude and all the shyness that is in me.

I'm lazy, always thinking of doing something fun like watching tv for the whole day and get mad easily, and even said things that shouldn't say without thinking. These should all changed in time, but i'm what i'm, so its kinda hard for me to change these behavior that i had it for the past 18 years. However, strategies will come soon enough to make me a whole new different person, i hope.... because, you see... i'm a person who fails to plan so its basically plan to fail.. and even if i planned, i don't like following it... THAT'S ME! haha...

There's one more thing that i realised about my self, that is i'm always being envy about how others look and how i look. i always compare this and compare that. This made me even worst and this leads me to losing a lot of friends. May be this is because i'm always comparing my self to my brother, he is always the excellent one in my family and scored marks that i'll never scored. but this has to change too, i need to be a better person by not comparing to others and just try my very best in everything.

Of course, this is not all, i also cannot treat the person i love the way they should be treated with respect, for instance, my bf, i actually asked him to try to stay away whenever i saw my friends, my relatives or my family when we are going out together. I know this is cruel, but i cannot admit that he is my bf.. this is because my mother never did agree on me having a bf.. now the question comes, why did i even have a bf in the first place? why do i even accept him in the first place? I don't know.. i think i just need a person to lay on for a while and it became so unfair for him.

so basically, i think i have more weakness than strength after all.. haha... Hoping that things will change after i get into degree program, try to grow up, and stop being so naive and childish!!

things just happened

well, the unforgettable moment of all, happened in MAHSA. I thought i had a great room mate at first, cause she was my friend from Methodist since last year, but then i barely knew her cause she decided to leave after 1st sem. So we basically moved in and stayed together. At first, we were close, we hang out together with a bunch of friends, we had our meals together. Until one day, that i accidentally said the wrong thing that hurts my friends feelings which this girl is one of our friends and ended up, we are no longer friends. However, my roommate forgave me and continue being my friend. We had fights, just those small fights that we usually forgive each other after a while. Just after the first sem, i was quite close with a boy and i always had dinner with him instead of having dinner with my roommate. Starting from that moment, she started to treat me coldly and she said, it was my own fault that i don't appreciate people around me.. I do accept this statement and it is a fair reason for her to say that of what i've done to her. and i had no choice but to appologise to her and try to make things up with her... It was my fault all along. But there's something i don't really understand, why can't she try to understand my situation? I wanted to have dinner with her but i can't abandon him as he came all the way to college just to hang around with me and have dinner with me. I tried to ask him not to come so often, but... you know how when a person is in love, they would do anything... anything at all just to see the person they love cause they miss that person so much. Soon, this problem solved. We are once friends again.

However, this time, it did not last long. She annoyed me whenever she switch on the lights of the room early in the morning to study. It was not one two days, but it continued on for a week. That really pissed me off. Although i did say that i can sleep under the lights but not by switching on the lights while i was already dreaming in the sleep. but, i never mention this to her yet, she can sense that i was angry whenever i wake up every morning.

This one night, my friends and i are having a last minute preparation for the next day presentation for information technology subject. and so, we gathered in my room and we do our own work while chit-chatting. When she came back, she was quite pissed off seeing me bringing my friends into the room. After a while, she said that she feels like sleeping and hope that all my friends will leave. I asked my friend that had done her work to leave and the rest of us continue to finish up our work quietly. She was flipping here and there on her bed and starring at our working, asking what time is our work going to finish. the three of us was so quiet and we make less noise as we could and just do our work. the worst thing was she actually posted something very cruel in facebook and always saying that i'm putting on a drama. FINE!!! I've had enough! I'm a human, i had feelings! I'm not a soft toy that u could just play around whenever u like and just treat me as a slave whenever u want, hoping that everyone will suit you just for the sake of the way you live! Wake Up!!! Life has always been FAIR, like u said! I tried my very best to try things out with you, but it failed. i guess, our friendship ends here. Tata ^^ and so, we are like strangers now :)